Ordinarily, there are certain things a young writer
could do to shred the tag, "budding poet" off of
his face. From reading other poets, writing better
and to choosing a better means of displaying his
or her works. However, I thought it'll be much
more fun to tell you for free these 10 sure things
to do if remaining a budding poet for a lifetime is
what you want. So here they are:
1. REFUSE UPDATES AND SAY NO TO AN
UPGRADE: Believe that poets are born and can
never be made. Don't read the works of others,
you might end up sounding like them and it won't
just make you stupid, it's a crime! Seminars,
conventions and workshops are for only those
who can't access materials about literary devices
and figures of speech on the internet. For you,
there's nothing new to learn there. You need not
adulterate what Odin, your father has deposited in
you with their mumbo jumbo. If you must be in
any workshop, you should be the one teaching.
The mountains must go visit Mohammed!
2. NEVER ACCEPT CORRECTIONS: You're a
licensed poet and poetic license is a veritable
excuse for inadequacies and errors. Don't let any
jabroni insult you by telling you that your tenses
are wrong or that your capitalization and
punctuations are wrongly placed. Whoever that
does those is just trying to capitalize on your
not-so-noticable blemishes to shine at your
expense. You mustn't let that happen. Show him
or her your lie sense!
3. BE SELF-CONCEITED: Avoid sensitive
sociopolitical subjects. Great poets like you
should write only about themselves. Tell people
that you write only what you feel and not what
you think can save the world. After all, you don't
feel what others feel and you're an alien from St.
Monica in Mars.
4. USE SOCIAL MEDIA AS SCALE: Judge your
improvement by the increase or decrease of the
likes and comments you get on Facebook. When
your twin brother or sister says he or she is
standing on the heads of GEJ and PMB and
doffing his or her hat for you because of your
poems, just believe that your post is faultless.
5. BE AN EXPERT PLAGIARIST: Other poets may
research for weeks before writing a poem, you're
not wired like that. Lifting lines of other writers
after all is research also. Don't think up concepts
on your own. When you're caught, fire back at
your critics. Tell them that no idea is virgin. Tell
them that what you just stole is a cento, parody
and/ or an adaptation and that they're just being
jealous of your fame. This is going to put you in a
bad light and make you popular for the wrong
reasons but what do you care? Being a budding
poet forever is the mission here. You can't afford
to compromise that for anything!
6. RUSH TO PUBLISH: Aside from his white hairs
and beards, the only difference between Prof Wole
Soyinka and you is that he's published. You really
should consider dyeing yours and publishing too.
When you're done publishing and you succeed in
selling only 15 copies to your family members
who palpably don't look like they're going to read
the poems, tell everyone that Nigerians don't
read. Don't they know that they just have to read
your lines to survive? In fact, become livid and
disillusioned. Don't write again. They should all
starve to death because they will never read the
Jesus in your lines again.
7. REMAIN IN YOUR COCOON: Poets like you are
eccentric, don't join any poetry group. Refuse to
enter for slams and don't expose your mercurial
self to exhibitions. Competitions are not a true
test of quality and talent, remaining in your room
is. Just sit within closed doors and wait for the
big break that you alone very well deserve. MTN,
GLO, ETISALAT, AIRTEL and MALTINA will soon
come and beg you to release few of your lines in
exchange for some millions of Dollars. After all,
you're the most current talent on earth and they'll
need your help to get to billions of your fans.
8. BE VERY "CONTROVERSIAL": Being
controversial makes one very popular. Beguile
yourself that being controversial is same as
becoming troublesome. Fault and fight popular
poets and get popular too. Always be on the
lookout for lacunae and rifts between two poetry
promoters and publicly insult the one you think is
at fault. When to your greatest dismay, both of
them eventually make peace and remember to
forget to include your name in the list of poets to
be featured in their platforms, get mad at them
and start your own poetry platform. Nonsense!
9. CHOOSE ABSTRACT MENTORS: As a page
poet, why settle for Kukogho Iruesiri Samson as a
mentor when he's not yet as popular as Chinua
Achebe? The 'boy' is only 31 years old! You know
that you need a mentor to help you perform your
spokenword pieces better but why settle for
Kemistree when Jannet icks is far more respected
globally? That small girl? She's still a student!
Even though you know that Achebe is late and
Jannet icks is far from your reach, just tell
everyone that they're your mentors, read their
works and lift some of their lines and you will be
rewarded with more regard. Whoever that had
said stuffs about how best it is to start small
must have been faithless. Take snapshots with
Dike Chukwumerije, Uche Uwadinachi and Sammy
Sage Has Son and in the pictures, make sure
you're seen rubbing their heads with your hands
so that it'll be easy to proof to your friends that
they're your buddies and not your mentors.
10. BE A JACKASS SNOB: Since you've had 3
invites to perform your poems at events (maybe a
requiem mass inclusive) and the other poets
haven't got one in almost a year, it means they're
all inferior poets. They're too wack and having
them hang around you is suicide. They're no
longer in your echelon so just move on. Should
they call you, pretend you're seriously preparing
for an interview on CNN and drop the call. They're
now social climbers and you can't afford to be
their ladder. Who says you'll need their help any
time soon?
If you as much as do any 3 of these
unrepentantly, being a budding poet for a century
will not be any much of a challenge to you
anymore. At least, not in this lifetime.
©GRACIANO
17-02-2016
11:33AM. —
